Funny story emailed to me today

[Umpire in Chief]

This was emailed to me today I was literally laughing out loud despite my best attempts to stay quiet.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipSH*#,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

On a related note in high school a friend and I sprayed each other in the face with mace thinking it couldn't be that bad. Not one of my brighter moments.

[Stan W.]

now thats funny.........even thought i saw it coming...its still funny......

[BT_Blue]

Wait, I object... you arent going to let us vote for what could possibly be the funniest non baseball story of the year? This is America bub... we can vote for what we want and I demand that we be allowed to nominate this post.

Beyond that... damn funny post warren... damn funny.

[jjb]

.....and, from that moment on, he became convinced that the hands are part of the bat...

[Umpire in Chief]

.....and, from that moment on, he became convinced that the hands are part of the bat...

Oh so this is how coaches are made...

[Stan W.]

I read this story to my wife,...and the only thing she found funny was the part where the wife regularly threatens him with it......

Go figure.....

[therefump]

Now, I just checked FED and OBR and it doesn't say a damn thing about carrying this on the field if you're the PU. Think of the possibilities............btw, you got this dudes address. I'd like to borrow it and use it against my ex-wife....but I really digress.

[jjb]

OK, time for a "If I had a Taser on the field, I'd use it..."

I'll start: "I'd use it on the catcher who flips his mask back at me on every play and hits me in the crotch"

[catoblue]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!

Now to clean the coffee off my keyboard, monitor and the wall!!!!

[Mr Umpire]

OK, time for a "If I had a Taser on the field, I'd use it..."

I'll start: "I'd use it on the catcher who flips his mask back at me on every play and hits me in the crotch"

I'd use it on the coach who argues every single play even if the guy in the parking lot could tell the runner was out or whined about every pitch even if his catcher has to jump 3 feet to catch the ball.

[therefump]

OK, time for a "If I had a Taser on the field, I'd use it..."

I'll start: "I'd use it on the catcher who flips his mask back at me on every play and hits me in the crotch"

The pitcher who jumps up and down after HE thinks it's a strike. I'm talking 16 yr olds and up. No tasing the minors unless they get real bad.....:clap:

[treedog24]

The pitcher who jumps up and down after HE thinks it's a strike. I'm talking 16 yr olds and up. No tasing the minors unless they get real bad.....

Taze the little ones, they just grow up and become 16 year old @$$ anyways.