I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch hours, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensual and godlike tuba playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran of love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Yankees. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I donâ€™t perspire. I am a private person, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration team. I bat .400. My deft flower arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do, I sleep in a chair. I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but I forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bull-fights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I perform open-heart surgery and have spoken to Elvis...recently.