Coaching 101

[jjb]

To All:

Recently, as I was walking by a coach’s open ball bucket, I found the following manuscript. I was always under the impression that coaches sat on the ball bucket because they were tired: little did I know that they, while watching the game, were actually absorbing written material through an alternative orifice. The following are excerpts from the document:

Coaching 101

or

Behavior Strategies for the Behaviorally- Impaired

Congratulations on becoming a Youth Baseball Coach! As a new Coach, it is important that you learn the following strategies, as the use of this material will forever absolve you from actually teaching the game to the kids. As you well know, the object of the game is to Win the Big One, as, if you should fail and come in, like, Third Place, your 7 and 8 year old players will become Drug Addicts, Serial Killers, or even White House Press Secretaries. (Also, as we all know, that 8-inch plastic trophy is such a Chick Magnet). Umpires don’t always make calls that help your team, (because they hate your kids), so you have to make sure they change their calls to suit your needs. That’s what they get paid for, don’t they?

You should use the following techniques during any play that you (1) don’t agree with, (2) hurts your team, or (3) because your legs were getting stiff on that ball bucket, and you were going to stand up anyway. It is recommended that you yell as loudly as you can from the dugout doorway: why should your mastery of the game be shared only with the Umpire? So, here we go:

How to Get the Call Changed

Chapter One: “It Didn’t Happen, Blue”

Or: if Reality Doesn’t Fit Your Agenda, Change the Reality!

For your homework, study the following Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch:

As you can see, if an umpire says “he missed first base” simply reply (loudly): “No, he didn’t!” If the Umpire says, “he didn’t offer”, you say, “Yes he did!” See how easy this is? This technique is guaranteed to force the Umpire to accept your opinion over his, and has been used by coaches, players and U.S. Congressman for decades. If, however, this fails to sway an Umpire (who is, obviously, a Rookie), you move immediately to the next step.

Chapter Two: “But He didn’t Mean to, Blue”

Or: You Can’t Be Responsible, Unless You Meant to Do It!

According to the Rules, a runner who crashes into the shortstop cannot be held accountable, unless he (a) shoves him, ( knocks him down and © shouts, “And Stay Down, Sucka!” Otherwise, the Umpire is just Over-Officious. Ask the League to never let him work your game again. That’ll show ‘em.

Chapter Three: Explaining the Rules to the Umpire

Or: Paraphrase to Your Heart’s Content

Ever actually read the Baseball Rules? No, of course you haven’t: there’s a LOT of words in there. So, what you need to do is, when something happens that you don’t like, take the rule, and paraphrase it until you get what you want. This is perfectly acceptable. I see it on Meet the Press every Sunday morning.

Examples of Paraphrasing a Baseball Rule:

Ball Out of Play: MLB rules = 165 words. You yell: “1 From the Rubber, and 2 if By Sea” (or something like that- use your imagination) (9 words)

Strike Zone: MLB Rules: = 33 words. You yell: ” “Oh, C’mon, Blue!” (3 words)

Batting Out of Order: MLB Rules = There’s…OK, a bunch of words. You yell: “Uh, --Hands are Part of the Bat!” (7 words)

See how many words you’ve saved? Energy Conservation at work! Nice job! Take a few Carbon Credits out of Petty Cash for yourself.

(To be Continued….)

[maninblack69]

:D That's a good way to start off a Thursday morning.. Thanks for postin!

[kcfan102]

Chapter Two: “But He didn’t Mean to, Blue”

Or: You Can’t Be Responsible, Unless You Meant to Do It!

According to the Rules, a runner who crashes into the shortstop cannot be held accountable, unless he (a) shoves him, (B) knocks him down and © shouts, “And Stay Down, Sucka!” Otherwise, the Umpire is just Over-Officious. Ask the League to never let him work your game again. That’ll show ‘em.

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Good stuff haha :clap: