The real problem with baseball

[UmpDC]

I've been umpiring for five years now.  I've heard all kinds of arguments about what is "wrong" with baseball.  Personally I'm of the opinion that nothing is wrong with baseball. 

I've heard a lot about "Robo-ump" lately.  You know, those automated strike zones that are being tested in some leagues.  And everyone has seen the "K-Zone" on baseball broadcasts that allegedly show what a miserable job we umpires do when we call balls and strikes.  It always seemed odd to me that umpire inaccuracy is bemoaned with one breath of the announcers, and yet in the next breath they are trumpeting the catcher's ability to "frame" and "steal" strikes by making close pitches appear to be strikes with their magical receiving skills.  However that is beside the point.

What is the point is the push to get the "human element" out of calling balls and strikes, meaning get an automated system to call balls and strikes and leave the umpire there as a place holder to announce the decision of the flawless machine.

After thinking about it for a long time I've decided that, while I am biased, it's not really the umpires that are the problem when it comes to balls and strikes.  The problem is not just that umpires are human and therefore make some mistakes.  The problem with baseball is not only is it umpired by humans, but it also played by humans.  With that as a given, the true weak link in the chain of desired perfection when it comes to balls and strikes, is the pitcher. 

That's right.  I said it.  We need to do away with the pitcher.

Pitchers are notoriously inaccurate.  Not only are they prone to missing the strike zone, but sometimes they miss the catcher, the umpire and even the backstop. 

Pitchers are also notoriously high maintenance.  They take times outs and slow the game down with their constant preening and rituals. 

Pitchers are also notoriously mercurial.  It takes a phalanx of other people to keep them on an even keel and they even require their very own coach, known as a "pitching coach".  A pitcher's mood swings wildly with each pitch.  They're prone fits of rage over the smallest perceived slight.  And when provoked they're prone to throwing the baseball at other players on purpose. 

Pitchers are notorious for taking up a lot of time between pitches and are liable to step off the rubber at any moment. 

Pitchers are also notoriously prone to many other faults such as balks, overthrown pickoff attempts, fielding errors and missed signs that cross up the catchers.

Pitchers also have a nasty habit of getting tired, requiring more time to substitute in another one.  They get finicky about the weather and they require a lot of time to warm up.  They are prone to injury and sometimes they just aren't concentrating or just don't "have it".  Sometimes they break the rules and load up or doctor the baseballs, but they also have the temerity to get petulant with anyone who questions them about these practices.  Sometimes they simply cannot throw certain pitches at all, least of all for a strike.

And frankly pitchers are just a little on the disgusting side with their constant spiting and picking at their wedgies. 

It's plain to see that the source of all the problems with baseball can ultimately be traced back to the fact that we have humans pitching in baseball.

So my proposal is a really simple one.  If we want to remove the uncertainty from the decision of "ball or strike" then we simply need to do away with the pitchers.  Put a pitching machine out there on the mound and have it laser sighted to hit a tiny reflective surface mounted in the catcher's mitt.  That would eliminate all of the problems listed above, speed the game up and, ultimately, remove the uncertainty from the decision of "ball" or "strike".  It's obvious that a pitching machine is vastly superior to an actual person throwing the ball from the mound.  I think it's an idea who's time has come.

So the next time someone tells you that what we need is a robo-ump, just simply explain to them what the true problem with the game is.  I mean, if we're removing the human element from the art of calling balls and strikes (which we all know is the thing that actually makes the game move in the end) then why not simply rid ourselves of the human element that is so prevalent on the pitching mound.

Now obviously this was satire, but I'm not entirely kidding.  The game is designed to be played AND umpired by humans.  Humans have flaws and make mistakes and that is the thing that makes the games we play great.  The biggest lie in sports is that games are decided by a call.  They are NOT decided by one call and they never were.  They are decided by a matrix of decisions and actions that begin to spin out as soon as the first pitch is thrown.  For every "missed" call I can point someone to three or four "swing and misses" etc.  Each pitch is a play and those plays all add up to the result of the game and if a team needs a call from an umpire to get a win, they didn't take care of their business in the game very effectively.  That's just my opinion.

So if we're going to get rid of the umpires because they might make a mistake every so often, then the pitchers are simply next in line.  If we wanted perfection, we wouldn't include humans in the game after all.

Your milage may vary.

[The Man in Blue]

You put a lot more writing into it than I did, but I made this claim a long time ago!  

Thank you for the laugh!