short story about umpire

[minnesotatwin]

I'm not an umpire, but for a creative writing class I wrote a short story about one. The profession is interesting to me. This story isn't based on any real person or event, just a figment of my imagination. Wanted to get the opinions of real umpires, though, to see how I can improve the story. Please only reply with constructive feedback! I understand I probably got a lot wrong, as I know very little about baseball.

short story.pdf

[834k3r]

I'm an amateur Grammar N@z! so I'll help...I think.

Some comments:

Quote

To someone in the stands, sure, this one might have looked like a tough call: the kid at bat had hit the ball, run to first, and got tagged a split second before his foot hit the base.

Personally, I would delete "had" and changed the tense of the verbs that followed and revise the passive voice; "the kid at bat hit the ball, ran to first, but the first baseman tagged him out a split second..."

Quote

In this line of work, you’re your own team.

I think here, the long form (as opposed to the contraction) works better:  "[i]n this line of work, you are your own team."

The rest of my comments are more about style than outright errors. It was enjoyable, and I could find myself in Jeremy's position.

[Velho]

2 hours ago, 834k3r said:

Personally, I would delete "had" and changed the tense of the verbs that followed and revise the passive voice; "the kid at bat hit the ball, ran to first, but the first baseman tagged him out a split second..."

I second this. Active voice. It's hard, it takes work, but it makes a difference and the reader won't even realize why. Kind of like umpiring. 😉

[Lou B]

"the men in black" - except for the movie, men in black are usually the bad guys!

Don't know many umpires that wear black!

[MadMax]

4 hours ago, Lou B said:

Don't know many umpires that wear black!

Lou, you must not know many umpires at all. 

… 

… 

… or you live in a “Navy’s all ya need!” state. 

[Lou B]

16 hours ago, MadMax said:

… or you live in a “Navy’s all ya need!” state. 

Nope, I live in Florida, it's too hot to wear black!

[Biscuit]

On 11/29/2023 at 10:37 AM, Lou B said:

Nope, I live in Florida, it's too hot to wear black!

I will neatly fight a partner if they say they want to wear blue (well, I did, now I just kinda roll over and say whatever). Doesn't matter the heat, doesn't matter the humidity. With a good shirt, it doesnt make an appreciable diference. Of course, I still have somd majestics I can wear, so that helps (definitely not a brag), but the Smittu V2s do fine as well. It just looks SO much better. Plus, blue gets those nasty sweat lines. 

95 with 80%+ humidity? Give me black. 

[wolfe_man]

3 minutes ago, Biscuit said:

95 with 80%+ humidity? Give me black. 

That goes for me too!  Black just looks so much better.

[Umpy]

You can't wear black every time though, folks might think you only own one shirt!  Gotta rotate some blue in so the players know you're not poor.

[wolfe_man]

19 minutes ago, Umpy said:

You can't wear black every time though, folks might think you only own one shirt!  Gotta rotate some blue in so the players know you're not poor.

Oh, I've got probably 8-10 shirt colors - and I prefer black, but seldom get to wear it.   The other umps in my area are cheap and want to wear the classic red or blue with navy stripes (softball).  A few of them are picking up the MLB blue with black side panels now though, so maybe this year will be the year!  

For HS, we're still navy. And now the OHSAA says they're trying to help us save money by not having to buy new shirts with their logo, so it looks like we're navy for an even longer time now.

[Biscuit]

53 minutes ago, Umpy said:

You can't wear black every time though, folks might think you only own one shirt!  Gotta rotate some blue in so the players know you're not poor.

They're too distracted thinking I suck to notice that!

[Velho]

On 11/29/2023 at 8:37 AM, Lou B said:

Nope, I live in Florida, it's too hot to wear black!

 

[Thatsnotyou]

10 hours ago, Biscuit said:

I will neatly fight a partner if they say they want to wear blue (well, I did, now I just kinda roll over and say whatever). Doesn't matter the heat, doesn't matter the humidity. With a good shirt, it doesnt make an appreciable diference. Of course, I still have somd majestics I can wear, so that helps (definitely not a brag), but the Smittu V2s do fine as well. It just looks SO much better. Plus, blue gets those nasty sweat lines. 

95 with 80%+ humidity? Give me black. 

I loathe navy, and prefer black when possible…but black in the middle of the afternoon on a hot, sunny day just strikes me as ignorant. Black is objectively hotter than a lighter color when it’s hot/sunny. You generally see MLB guys go blue during hot day games. 
 

 

[Biscuit]

1 hour ago, Thatsnotyou said:

I loathe navy, and prefer black when possible…but black in the middle of the afternoon on a hot, sunny day just strikes me as ignorant. Black is objectively hotter than a lighter color when it’s hot/sunny. You generally see MLB guys go blue during hot day games. 
 

 

Again, with modern shirts, it's negligible. Wear the pale shirts and you're all good. If your partners don't have those, well, I'm afraid you're in for a long game. And (at least in my area) not just because of the heat.

[beerguy55]

Needs some gratuitous nudity.

[HokieUmp]

On 11/29/2023 at 11:37 AM, Lou B said:

Nope, I live in Florida, it's too hot to wear black!

I have lived in the middle of Outback Australia, and recently spent four years in San Antonio.

It is NEVER too hot to wear black.

[dumbdumb]

12 hours ago, HokieUmp said:

I have lived in the middle of Outback Australia, and recently spent four years in San Antonio.

It is NEVER too hot to wear black.

Gee, and i thought is was because black makes everyone look slimmer.

[Velho]

11 hours ago, dumbdumb said:

Gee, and i thought is was because black makes everyone look slimmer.

Do they make shirts in this stuff? Asking for a friend...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vantablack

[HokieUmp]

On 12/5/2023 at 1:22 AM, dumbdumb said:

Gee, and i thought is was because black makes everyone look slimmer.

You're not wrong, and it's thankfully true.