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Best lines you've heard or used at an umpire?

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HS playoffs I'm PU and on a foul tip the R1 steals second and parents were flipping out saying it was a foul ball.  I just laughed and shook my head no. 

Very same type of play but in 16u travel ball I had to explain to the coach that a foul tip is still a live ball.

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I have 2:

  • Bend over blue and use you're good eye.

     
  • I've posted about this game many times before HC is a "Diva" and she is wearing very tight jeans, extra long nails and high heel shoes. First batter comes up and has his helmet just sitting on top of his head offering absolutely no protection. I call time and tell the kid he needs to pull the helmet down. The coach comes sashaying out, "Oh, no, no I won't have him wearing that helmet and getting AIDS or whatever from it. Have you seen the equipment they give us?" 

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I have two lines from the same game.  It was an NCAA Div. 1 game.  Home team is getting roughed up pretty good by the visiting Air Force Academy Falcons.  I'm the plate umpire on the Sunday game at the end of a three game series.

The game was going long (time wise) and my partner between innings went over the AFA head coach to ask if the schools had agreed to a Sunday curfew so that AFA could make a flight at the airport.  The head coach laughed, pointed to a dressed air force officer in the dugout and said, "our pilot is over there.  You might have heard that we have our own airline."  Game. Set. Match.

Late in the game, I had a first-to-third rotation.  I moved up the line, was standing in foul territory and had my nose two feet away from the tag attempt as the runner came into third base...and it was a whacker of a play.  I called the AFA runner "safe". 

The home head coach comes jogging out and says, "What do you have there?" 

I replied, "that was a banger of a play, but he just beat the tag."

Coach says, "there's no way.  You missed that play."

I said, "Coach, did you see where I was standing.  I was in perfect position and I had a great look."

He replied, "oh, I'm not arguing that you had great hustle.  You were in perfect position.  I just don't understand how an umpire can be in such perfect position and F*#King kick the SH*# out of the call that bad."  He immediately turned and walked back to his dugout.  I had to bite my tongue so hard.  Not because I wanted to say something back, but because it was so damn funny.  He was being a 100% serious, but the actual words he spoke combined with the way he delivered it resulted in one of the funniest things I have ever heard.

 

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If you have heard the whole list, retirement should be just around the corner.

 

The Big List of Umpire Heckles

 

only horses sleep standing up

  • I didn't know we were golfing today, I would have brought my clubs!
  • You drop more calls than AT&T
  • The manager called, your uniform is ready
  • Did you star in "Weekend at Bernie's"?
  • Hey blue, that call was a get outta here quick call!
  • I thought only horses slept standing up!
  • That was higher than a t-shirt at Mardi Gras!
  • It's against the law to make prank calls!
  • (Hold up cell phone) Is this your cell phone? Because it has three missed calls!
  • That pitch was like your last date, you didn't want to see her or call her.
  • To batter as he steps into the box: "You better be swinging. You're standing in the strike zone."
  • He was as out as a deaf kid playing musical chairs!
  • After the ump has dusted off home plate: "You're gonna make someone a great wife someday!
  • You're not gonna sleep a minute tonight because you've slept all game.
  • Is your rule book written in braille?
  • How's he going to learn if you keep giving him the answers? (to Ump after appeal)
  • That's why they shouldn't let umpires date the players.
  • I didn't pay 35 bucks to watch you call strikes!
  • Hey Ump, how can you sleep with all these lights on
  • If you're just gonna watch the game, buy a ticket
  • Stevie Wonder could see that one
  • Flip over the plate and read the directions
  • You couldn't call hogs!
  • Keep calling em like that and you'll be bagging groceries by September.
  • Get a hammer and some nails, the plate is movin' around!
  • You call more strikes than a union delegate!
  • Did your glass eye fog up?

can i pet your seeing eye dog

  • Have you lost your strike zone in the lights?
  • Now I know why there's only one eye (I) in umpire
  • You couldn't get a pitchout right
  • You're making more bad calls than a telemarketer!
  • How about some Windex for that glass eye!
  • The French judge says it's a strike!
  • How can you eat with those hands?
  • Hey ump, diarrhea has more consistency than your strike zone !
  • You need to go to confession after that call!
  • I've seen better Blues in a box of crayons!
  • Don't bother brushing off the corners, you're not calling them anyway!
  • We know you're blind, we've seen your wife!
  • They're putting your strike zone on the back of milk cartons!
  • Mix in some consistency once in awhile!
  • You must be losing them in the lights!
  • Why do you keep looking in your hand...do you have a map of the strike zone in it?
  • I'll take three pencils!
  • Hey blue, that's not a 5 iron he's hitting with! (on a low strike call)
  • How do you sleep at night?
  • I was confused the first time I saw a game too
  • I've gotten better calls from my ex-wife!
  • Good thing there is not three choices!
  • Hey ump is that a dinner plate? Apparently it has no corners!
  • Admit you lied!
  • Why don't you get your Seeing Eye dog to call it for you?
  • I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog!
  • Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game?
  • When your dog barks twice, its a strike!
  • Kick your dog, he's lying to you!
  • I'm gonna break your cane and shoot your dog
  • Be careful when you back up, so you don't fall over your dog!
  • Did you haul in your strike zone on a tractor trailer bed?
  • Hey Blue, if you had another eye it would be lonely!
  • I've heard better calls at a square dance!
  • I've heard better calls between two tin cans and a piece of string!
  • Hey Blue, were you looking for the curve?
  • So which one of you is the designated driver?
  • Move a little Ump, you're growing' roots!
  • I've seen better blue in a toilet bowl!
  • What's a matter you Gotta Broken Arm?
  • Look through the mask, not at it!
  • It really is hot today - that strike zone is melting!
  • Wrong!
  • You couldn't call a cab!
  • The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue!
  • Its a strike zone, not an end zone!
  • You really shouldn't be in the game until you get warmed up!
  • Come on blue, turn that mask around and get a GOOD look!!
  • You can go home blue, we'll take it from here!
  • How'd you become an umpire? Flunk out of tollbooth school?
  • How about asking the audience?
  • Do you want to use another lifeline?
  • 3 Blind Mice, 3 Blind Mice,
  • What were you, a lookout.. on the Titanic?
  • How many fingers am I holding up?
  • (For an umpire is slow getting in position) C'mon blue, put the Snicker Bar down.
  • Sweep the plate! It's the least you can do!
  • Move around, you're tilting' the infield!
  • Move around Ump, you're killing' the grass!
  • It sure sounded like a strike!
  • How'd you get a square head in that round mask?
  • Have they stopped printing the rulebooks in Braille?
  • Don't donate your eyes to science, they don't want em'
  • Does your wife let you make decisions at home?
  • Pull the good eye out of your pocket
  • Wipe the dirt off that called strike!
  • Sure you don't want to phone a friend?
  • You can open your eyes now!
  • Do you get any better or is this it?
  • You're blinking too long!
  • Do you travel with this team?
  • Come on, MCI doesn't make that many bad calls!
  • You couldn't make the right call if you had a phone book!
  • You couldn't make a call in a phone booth!
  • Do you take Visa or American Express?
  • Leave the gift giving to Santa!
  • Take out your glass eye and wash it!
  • OK....the next call should be ours!
  • Guess again, the last call was wrong!
  • Who signs your game checks?
  • Is that guy your nephew Ump?
  • Do you feel guilty?
  • If the pitcher is throwing too fast for you, we can ask him to slow it down
  • Your strike zone is a moving target
  • You're getting better, you almost made the right call that time
  • Punch a hole in that mask, you're missing a good game
  • Hey, Sleeping Beauty, wake up!
  • Hey Blue, Magnum P.I. called, he can't find your strike zone!
  • I've seen potatoes with better eyes!
  • Looked pretty good from up here ump!
  • Do your sleeping at home ump!
  • For a guy that only works 2 hours a day, you're doing a pretty bad job!
  • Hey blue, if you had one more eye you'd be a Cyclops
  • RING..RING....Wake up call ump!
  • You couldn't see the plate if your dinner was on it!
  • Wake up Ump, You're missing a great game!
  • Somebody call the law, this guy is impersonating an umpire!
  • Ump, you're calling a worse game than a NFL ref!
  • Now I understand why you and the other manager look so much alike!
  • You're like a bat without sonar!
  • Here's a quarter, go buy a strike zone!
  • Hows work experience going ump?
  • He must be wearing a (visiting team) t-shirt under that jersey.
  • Keep making calls like that and you'll be demoted to the pony league!
  • Somebody get the ump his prescription mask!
  • Sit down, bus driver!
  • You flipping coins?
  • Is that your final answer?
  • Take off that welding mask
  • What's your magic word?
  • What's the count Blue?
  • Dog Robber! (classic)
  • Lenscrafter called...they'll be ready in 30 min.
  • Open your good eye!
  • Next time buy a ticket if you're going to watch!
  • Can I buy you another beer?
  • Eat a salad!

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I suppose this wasn't the most proper thing to do, but I had a coach tell me that a coach couldn't come out to have a mound visit because he already had one in a previous inning (not very high quality ball under OBR). He was so adamant that he was right that he offered to google the rule for me. I told him to go ahead and google it, I'll just wait here. He must have realized how wrong he was from how I was replying that he quickly said that it's okay and it doesn't matter now because the coach was already out there. Couldn't help but laugh after that.

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My partner and I tried to squeeze in the 7th inning before it got too dark and only made it through half of it before having to call the game. The coach about to go to bat complained "But you said it was bright enough for them to hit?" Without missing a beat my partner replied "That's how Mother Nature works coach... it gets darker as the sun goes down."

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Had a coach not agree with one of my strike calls by giving me a very loud, "NO WAY!  NO WAY!"  I stepped out from behind the catcher, removed my mask and said, "WAY"!  Coach said that was the funniest thing he'd ever seen or heard on a baseball field.  Not sure if it was the strike or the comment, but we kept going.

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Coach: "Listen here buddy, this is 10U baseball. Every close call is an out".

Partner: "I didn't have a tag coach, but I'll remember that next half inning".

Another game coach: "You've got to be smoking crack!" I have no clue why, but how he said it I could barely not laugh out loud.

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6 hours ago, DVA7130 said:

Coach: "Listen here buddy, this is 10U baseball. Every close call is an out".

Partner: "I didn't have a tag coach, but I'll remember that next half inning".

Another game coach: "You've got to be smoking crack!" I have no clue why, but how he said it I could barely not laugh out loud.

"Actually, I ran out this morning and am really jonesing, do you have a connect?"

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2 hours ago, MidAmUmp said:

Joe Brinkman to Dick Howser, "You couldn't manage a whore house on an army base."

and you can hear all about it on     Dick Howser Goes Nuts!!        on you tube.

warning!!!!   laced with profanity.

or

The article

http://www.upi.com/Archives/1984/06/25/Kansas-City-manager-Dick-Howser-says-he-knows-his/2406456984000/

 

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why don't you go stand near their bench so we can take a team picture

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On ‎7‎/‎27‎/‎2016 at 10:21 AM, basejester said:

Responsibility for policing behavior outside the fences is the responsibility of the Board of Directors, so your first move should be to a board member, in my humble opinion.  Oddly, the tournament affidavit template contradicts this and requires the manager to sign that he is responsible.

2013 Rules Instruction Manual (RIM):
3.18-- The local league shall provide proper protection sufficient to preserve order and to prevent spectators from entering the field. Either team may refuse to play until the field is cleared.

“The Right Call” Casebook -- Comment: Managers are not responsible for the actions of the spectators. You cannot forfeit a game because of spectator actions.

INSTRUCTOR COMMENTS:

  • The responsibility for actions of the spectator’s falls to the league’s Board of Directors, never the manager.
  • The umpire may suspend play until the actions are corrected (see rule 9.01(f)), but never forfeit or threaten to forfeit a game.
  • Leagues may not write a rule that shifts responsibility to anyone other than the board.

 

Tournament Team Eligibility Affidavit

CERTIFICATION BY TEAM MANAGER

. . .


5) I am solely responsible for the behavior of my team, the supporters and fans;

 

Could it be that during regular season, someone from the BOD should be at your fields........whereas tournament time, your BOD may not travel with YOUR team, thus, placing the responsibility of controlling the parents on the manager at that point??  :question1:

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Umpire calls about 14 straight balls (I'm serious - some were close, but they were probably all the right call) - coach comes out of dugout and, lifting his arm in a strike mechanic, says "hey Blue, is your arm OK?"

Ump chuckles and says "that's your freebie".

 

A couple of others:

"Coach, this will be the last inning"

"Thank Christ, because I don't know how much more of you I can take."

 

"Blue, if you accept payment for this game you should be charged with fraud"

  • Haha 1

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On 9/5/2017 at 8:21 AM, Aging_Arbiter said:

Could it be that during regular season, someone from the BOD should be at your fields........whereas tournament time, your BOD may not travel with YOUR team, thus, placing the responsibility of controlling the parents on the manager at that point??  :question1:

That's a good point; there's no local league authority at a tournament game.  I would think that the logical equivalent is district, regional , or Williamsport staff.  Some umpires have never seen (let alone studied) a tournament affidavit, so this feels buried for an item that radically changes the responsibilities.

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